Fanny P Wettybottom's everyday tips for horny housewives (...

[Enkil]

Excerpt:
Miss Fanny P Wettybottom's everyday tips for horny housewives from playful pornographic actresses..
....

Tip number 83:
After your daily enema before your husband returns from work, A small quanitity of peppermint oil, as often found in small boiled lollies once inserted make an excellent mild irritiant that assures whatever hole you use it in is not only minty fresh in taste and scent (should he desire to place his tongue or finger there, or for you to taste on his member later), it will be gushing with enough juices to substitute for the need to have any lubricant on hand. As a bonus, should you use boiled peppermint candy as a suppository, it will add an extra sugar rush to your bloodstream to power you through the nights fun. Plus if it is the lollipop variety, you can leave it in there as a bonus snack for your lover to discover as you pleasure one another.

....

Rejected unpublished manuscript from 1958.

Feel free to reply to suggest other "tips" that might be found in such a banned manuscript.
Note: Some of these may sound very sexist - which is why the alleged fictional manuscript is dated in the 1950's. It is part of the joke, and means you can focus on humor not political correctness if you have any ideas. Also some of these ideas did actually turn up in 'secret womens' good housewife publications of the 30s-50s. So if you can find some real ones - be sure to add them!

[Enkil]

Tip number 68:
The horny housewife should never wear underwear, especially to bed if possible. Not only will this increase her comfort and hygiene due to the better air flow, it will reduce the chances of a urinary tract infection, allow better temperature regulation as she sleeps, increase the chances someone might want to spontaneously pleasure her., and if they do - allow easier access, with a fresh clean taste and well aired scent..

Tip number 69:
If attending a sleep over or slumber party, there is always the concern by the host, attendee or 3rd party of the wrong impression. So should there be any participant the horny housewife does feel any solidarity with, should they be required to share a bed with one or more other attendees to actually sleep, they should position themselves head to foot with their pillows at opposite ends of the bed, positioning herself thus with the one she favors.. This will not only ease any concerns by observers, eliminating any worry about giving the wrong impression, but also once the lights are out, if the wrong impression was correct all along, it will actually give her easier access to her favored participant with the least amount of effort and suspicious sounding movements.
As a bonus the other participant will be less likely to make a fuss, to bring attention to what the pair are actually up to, both can use their mouths to remove any evidence after by both scooting down a little under the sheets, and if the other participant is of the other gender, the only activities available in this orientation wont result in conception.
Even if such outcomes were not the intention all along, by following this advise, along with rule 68 too, at some point in the night someone is going to notice.. which could result in a fun interaction, as you can trade their silence on the matter with letting them do as they please to you, in return for doing the same thing right back.

[Enkil]

Tip number 1:
Always change your bedsheets regularly during the week, not only will this improve your complection immensely - it will make you less reluctant to do anything in the bed that might soil the sheets.

[Enkil]

Tip number 2:
If you are a young housewife, you may find you make quite the mess with your husband, particularly if you have not been discouraged from an early age to squirt a little from excitement. Instead of suppressing such outcomes, you should not fear them. If you have this particular attribute, or perhaps like to do a little victory spray at the end; or simply wish to please a husband who finds joy in such games, you can avoid the embarassment of needing to store towels or waterproof sheets in the bedroom simply by using heavy wool blankets on the top layer of your bed. Then be sure to only engage in intimate activities while on top of the sheets. Not only will nobody suspect a thing, these type of sheets tend to be more absorbant than towels, and remain warm even when wet. If you find them too warm in summer, fear not, they are only there for show, you can simply fold them up at the foot of the bed until needed, or you could simply sit on that end of the bed when engaging in activities that might leave a wet spot.

[Enkil]

Tip number 0:
Pretend you are married.
There is no reason preventing you from calling your lover a husband, particularly in public. If anything while engaging in public shows of affection or activities that might be considered by some as indecent, many will turn a blind eye to such activities if they get the impression you are newlyweds. Just be sure that such games are only played where onlookers are unlikely to know you or your family, to avoid awkward conversations later.

...Also some women look good in a mens suit too, and can be mistaken for your husband just as easily.. if that is the way you lean..

[Enkil]

Tip number 3:
The surgeon general recommends that all wives only engage in sexual activities with a full bladder. The is for several reasons, the official reason is it prevents infection as urinating after the encounter will flush away any bacteria. The unofficial (and likely real) reason for such an odd health warning to be given in a decade of such prudish values - is it improves the general hygiene of the female population, as any wife doing this will also immediately discover that urine is probably one of the most effective chemials for dissolving semen - thus almost entirely eliminating the conditions that lead to inconvenenient female odors caused by thrush or yeast infections. Also using soap in your vagina - never do this. Literally anything, including urine and water is better if you don't want to suffer from thrush and painful rashes your entire life. It is almost like god is telling you to play pee games..

Also, its fun.

[Enkil]

Tip number 4:
As a bonus to tip 1, 2 and 3, if a housewife is ever woken in the night by the need to pee, this can be an excellent time to engage in sexual games, without even needing to leave the bed all night. Just throw the damp heavy blankets in the hamper when you are done, and go back to sleep. Then change the sheets after he goes to work with smile on his face the next day.

[Enkil]

Tip number 11:
If you have a weak bladder, or tend to leak, deliberately or otherwise, carry a bottle, drink more water and wear a skirt. The urine will be clear, and have no smell. If the skirt is short simply arch your back a little and let it drip as you go about your day, if the skirt is long, simple stand on some grass with your legs slightly apart. If you like doing it deliberately, especially with your husband, this means you can claim to simply have spilled some water too.. just show them the bottle.

Tip number 12:
If you are the sort of horny housewife that goes out of her way to make things wet, or she or her husband has a fondness for golden showers and wetting is a desire to please - then a day at the beach is an excellent way to indulge these regardless of which party is the one who enjoys it. Be sure to pick a beach lacking in both change rooms and toilets. Then regardless of what a housewife is wearing, be it a bathing suit, shorts, pants or summer dress, she can simple remove her shoes and frolic on the sand at the edge of the water, and have at it. Any wet marks can simply be blamed on splashing water, and as salt water is an excellent stain remover any yellow marks can be faded or removed entirely with a handfull of sea water rubbed on it discretely.

As a bonus, if the housewife is not actually into pee play, should she wear a swimsuit, she could make sure the water makes it wet, then put her street clothes back on over the top, leaving a wet mark, that she can allow her husband to pretend is not sea water at all. On the other hand, if she does enjoy pee play, or simply enjoys making her husband excited by doing it in front of him, this same strategy can allow her to leave the beach to continue such games to her (or his) hearts content the rest of the day.
If explanations are asked for about the state of the clothes on her lower body, then they need only point out that there was no change rooms, and she was too shy to get changed on the beach, and left her wet bathing suit on under her clothes. Nobody needs to know nor would have the crudeness to ask if it was anything other than sea water running down her leg. But should someone do so, they can be ostracised and shamed publicly for saying such a perverted thing about their shy wife.

[Enkil]

Tip number 70:
A pillow makes an excellent way to muffle your moans, should being overheard be a concern.

[Enkil]

Tip number 34:
To avoid missing out - Always be open minded, and aware of your surroundings. You never know when an opportunity to do something naughty might appear, and there are many things that might not occur to you that people find sexy if you were not paying attention to catch them. You might make a new special friend and have a lot more fun that day with your husband than you expected.

[Enkil]

Tip number 71:
Tableclothes make an excellent opportunity to drop something for him to pick up. Especially if you also follow tip 11 or 68. If the table is in a public place like a restaurant, it makes it all the more naughty. He can watch you indulge tip 11, or be a discrete invitation to pleasure you under tip 68.
If you are into tip 11.. be sure to loudly drop your cup on the floor afterwards to explain the puddle..

[Enkil]

Tip number 72:
Even if there isn't a tablecloth(refer tip 71), the rear seats of an empty bus, a dimly lit corner booth with bench seats, a sheltered park bench or a rest room work just as well, and not just for joining the mile high club.

[Enkil]

Tip number 13: Not that miss Wettbottom condones drugs, but if you require some sort of medication to make a night of passion last longer, be it ED meds, or something illicit like MDMA if you and your lover is especially into kinky pee games, you can save a lot of money and wasted time or interrupted sex running off to grab more by giving yourself or others a few extra free doses during sex.. since it is concentrated then eliminated in your urine, drink lots of water, then drink a lot of each other's pee around 30 minutes from the last dose.. although some meds might require two round trips to get to the one that needs it most.. if you swallow enough it is basically a free dose each time..

Tip number 14: More Money saving tips. Is the cost of contraception to keep up with all your lovers becoming too much of a drain on the household budget? Then Anal play is a fun cost effective way to get up to some nasty fun where ever you may be, and doesn't require buying anything. Just remember to wear a dress for easy access. See tip 16 and 17 for more easy access tips.

Tip number 15: Lollypops make a fun and tasty ice breaker if you stick one up your ass, and as a bonus it will taste nice when they lick you there to make you slippery enough for them to slide something in there. Also, what is the hurry? For a girl getting her ass licked is about the sexiest feeling thing ever, particularly if you manage to get your tongue in there really deep.. even if she thinks the activity is somehow wrong, that will only make it all the better, because it is so very wrong.. she will be moaning and hissing 'yes' under her breath and getting wetter than a tsunami over it.

Tip number 16: To save the need for enemas and more spontaneous anal games, eat an iron rich diet, your stools will be firm enough they slide out without leaving a mark, and as a bonus you will be naturally cleaner, wetter and slippierier inside to allow it to slide out easily to begin with. Which means it is just as easy to slide something interesting back in there again.. particularly if for some reason something wet and possibly yellow has leaked down there making the outside wet too.

Tip number 17: To make anal easier at any given time, in your panty cut a vertical strip (possibly even a convex one) between your panty gusset and an inch from the elastic, and either overlock the edge on your sewing machine, or sew a strip of fabric each side to make a hem. Then all you need do is bend over a little to make rear entry available. As an added bonus this will allow the fun of being able to sit and pee your knickers any time you pass a stool on the toilet if you followed tip 15, since you can leave your underwear on to poop. Pee also makes an excellent fluid to dissolve poop easily and use less toilet paper, and since you are pissing your panty the pee will naturally tend to run off the back of your gusset down your crack too, like your own built in "bidet" to spray yourself.

Tip number 18: Anal money saving tips. Got some old knickers with a worn out or ripped ass? Dont waste time and money throwing them out to buy new ones, cut off all the rear fabric from the lower edge of the gusset following along the edge of the elastic all the way around, then wear them like that. Cheaper and easier than modifying your knickers like in tip 16. For added spice, this makes an excellent opportunity to color coordinate with a butt plug the same color as your knickers! Not only will it give a fun and sexy surprise to the object of your lust; when you bend over to adjust your shoe and wiggle your ass at them as an invitation, it will mean your ass is always relaxed and ready for it when they take you up on the offer!

Tip number 19: Kinky backless knickers, which you have probably been pissing yourself in since you need not remove them for toilet breaks, a butt plug and a short skirt mean not only is it quick and easy to have anal sex anytime you bend over, but you will make yourself so horny in the process when something does start poking around in there, it will only take a few rubs of your finger on your vagina to get off from it too.

Tip number 20: Remember during anal sex it tends to be very easy to piss since you need to relax a little, if you are wearing knickers with an open back and planning on having some anal fun later, you can make it all the more exciting by drinking lots of water, then pissing your knickers as they fuck your ass.

Tip number 21:
Summertime fun. When trying to catch the eye of a lover (or crush) by showing off your curves or underwear (or lack thereof) remember most light summer dresses tend to be partially see through if you place yourself between a love interest and a source of light. Just be sure to act like you don't realise they can see everything for maximum effect. Perhaps make small talk so they have to look at you. Unless they are the submissive kind that is.. then make sure they know exactly what you are doing, which can usually be done best by simply smoothing down the front of the dress and coyly admiring your own nipples.

Tip Number 22: Summer dresses tend to become almost completely transparent when wet, so if the one who catches your eye is near, go dance in a fountain, splash in the sea, get caught by a car wash or sprinkler (or be one) or go out under summer showers... whatever color that shower happens to be..

Tip number 23: Like pissing your panty.. but worry about consequences? Carry extra pairs, then just change into a dry pair when you are done and give the wet ones to your husband. Better still let him change it for you. You wont need to wipe as the fresh pair will soak up any dampness, or have your husband clean it for you.. in whatever kinky form that might take.. actually pretty much any form that takes will be kinky if someone else is doing it for you.

Tip number 35: When living abroad particularly in high density and asian cities, for a little extra harmless exhibitionist fun, and the possibility of teasing some potential lover with pee games, even if it only really turns you on, if you shop around; some mixed style compact apartments have a toilet in the bedroom or living area to save space, failing that it has a toilet door facing a multifunction living space, or lacking a toilet entirely it has space for a portable toilet. With careful preperation (such as removing any toilet door in such an apartment, and making sure to place any seating facing it, or placing said portable toilet in front of a TV in your bedroom) it will be possible to force an incident where they 'accidentally' end up watching you pee, or if they are somewhat naive or you want to play the shy girl, you can even use it as an opportunity to pee your panties in front of them. The setup is simple, invite them home, perhaps for a drink or some netflix time, and make sure you are already quite urgently in need of a pee, but don't let on.
Then when you clearly are about to wet yourself if you don't use the toilet, leave it so late they have no time to leave or turn away and immediately jump on the toilet in front of them, then go for it as they watch. If your particular style is to play the shy or coy girl, this too is an opportunity, because you can "be embarassed to let them see your vagina" and leave your knickers on, and piss your panty on the toilet as they watch. Fun Times.

Tip number 36: If you really have strong exhibitionist tendencies, Some Japanese apartments have a toilet or bathroom with windows all around. They usually have blinds or curtains for when you use them, and function as a balcony or clothes airing room the rest of the time - but nobody said you had to use the curtains or blinds; Better still remove them entirely! For that extra naughtiness, if you only use it at night, it will seem like you can't see out the glass when the lights are on.. so you can pretend you don't realise everyone can see you and just go for it and put on a show every night!

Tip number 37: Got a really cute neighbour? Make sure you use the room facing their window, and be sure to get changed or dry yourself after a shower only when they are in that room, and avoid looking in their direction. Be sure to take your time, and dry yourself especially carefully, do some cool down stretches, and make sure you remove every imaginary bit of dust from the clothes before you put them on.. if it is a special occasion it might even be a good time to do some nude yoga, adjust your knickers until they have a wet spot on the front, or just openly play with yourself too. For the really imaginative girl she could even not make it to the toilet in time a few times while in that room too.. which might even give you a pretext to suddenly develop a "weak bladder" when outside the house near them. So long as you are very careful not to position yourself where you might look in their direction and catch them watching.. and this might require practice.. you will always get away with it.. and they will think they are getting away with it too..

[Enkil]

Tip number 5: Cutting off the inside of your pockets allows you to play with yourself in public discretely. Or let your husband do it for you.

Tip number 6: Riding on a motor cycle is much more fun without underwear on, or in a way that it presses against your clitoris. They are basically one big petrol powered vibrator after all, and you can ride one for hours before it needs fuel..

Tip number 7: Vintage cars with bench seats are fun too if you sit in the middle and press against the gear stick with your vagina. It is even better if it is a musclecar for that deep down tingle...

Tip number 8: All supermarkets sell control or incontinence pants for grown ladies in the feminine hygiene section.. they are basically nappies.. do with that what you will.

Tip number 9: (see 8) If you do buy a pair, nobody said a horny housewife need remove her panties first before putting one on top either..

Tip number 10: (see 8) they also give better sound proofing if you like to walk around wearing a vibrator in public too...